I wake up everyday feeling all alone. I pass by my family doing a daily routine and I feel alone. I see them and they see me, but it has an emptiness about it as though it is only a sight of a moving body and not the sight of who I am inside. My body seems to a means to an end and my spirit is the invisible slave to simply follow what needs to be done.
LIFE I DID LIVE
As a child playing with the neighborhood kids it was though they were all on the outside laughing and doing their thing fulfilling what they wanted to do passing by the real me on the inside. The kids where there physically, yet so far away for truly seeing me as I am. I still felt all alone in their midst.
As I grew older the groups and clicks formed leaving me on the outside. I tried to fit in, but it seemed like I was never good enough. I would try to act and talk like they did not being the real me on the inside with the end result of truly not being accepted into their groups and clicks. If they needed something from me it was a temporary acceptance only to fail again.
As time passed by and I grew older trying everyday to fit in with somebody. Somebody be my friend and see me for who I truly am. I learned the hard way to create walls that were not really me. I changed, adapted, and conformed just to be not alone. It seemed like no matter what I did even coming so close to having that connection I was still alone.
Inside each wall I created was cemented bad memories of trying to fit in and the things I did attempting to possessing something that was not really real, but an outward façade. No matter the end results kept returning to me of being alone. Life was a daily search for anything to accept me into the fold, but the ‘lone wolf‘ seemed to be a ‘curse‘ following me always whether I liked it or not and no matter what I did.
The hunger to remove loneliness was so strong that I gave away my trust freely only to have it returned with betrayal. I gave away my believing to others with the return of heart breaking lies. The being alone feeling drove me to try over and over again to the point of wondering was I ever going to find anyone or was I just plain stupid for trying.
As time passed by the walls I was building began to be filled with stone carvings of awful memories, bad behavior, and evil intentions. Looking around these walls became a view of a stone walled castle with only myself looking over the balcony into empty streets as the sun was setting behind the mountains casting a closing shadow over the greenery surrounding forest.
The ‘lone wolf curse‘ had slowly become accepted that there was no one. Yet, my eyes always search the horizon and hope had not completely died. I guess you could say, I put hope in the dungeon along with faith and belief. The one left roaming in the castle was more like a beast without the beauty and the servants.
LIFE I CREATED
As you picture a lonely stone walled castle, the life I created for myself was distancing myself from others. You could say, I dung moat around myself and the outside walls had no doors anymore, but just one and it was only accessible if I would let down the drawbridge. If you walked the streets of my castle there was no one else there, but empty streets with a lonely wind blowing with no life and no real joy.
I walked among people doing the normal outward conversations with a façade hiding the ‘I don’t trust you‘, ‘I don’t believe your words‘, ‘I have no hope you are truly a good person‘. The windows of my eyes looking out had no belief in the warmth of the world anymore. My ears no longer accepted the words on the wind except it to be full of hot air, empty, and lies. My conclusion was that evil was everywhere outside my castle and what looked like it was good had hidden motives. I trusted the nature of animals more than the nature of people.
This is where I am to live this life? Alone, yet not alone in the passing of people through work, walking the malls, and everywhere else. I, now, started living life doing things alone and depending on no one. Going to theaters, doing my work, and taking care of daily needs passing by others talking, laughing, and having a good time with someone by their side as the noise echoed through the streets of my lonely castle.
I walked among people that I did not believe in anymore. My heart was cold, dark, and expecting evil at any moment. My spirit walked the streets of my dark castle expecting evil around every corner with the haunting ghosts of my past coming out from the stone carved memories. No forgiveness for me or for them.
After work, I would ask myself in my thoughts ‘what do I want to do?‘ Sometimes, the answer would be a movie at the theaters. Again, it was strange to among people in line, sitting in the theater, and leaving side by side after it was over with having no idea, no perception, no understanding, and no care among them. We see each other and hear each other, but do we truly care enough to understand and know the real person on the inside? Everyone has developed a façade – everyone. There is no one who is 100% pure and truthful were my thoughts.
I loved taking my lonely castle o the mountains. I would find a stream watching the water gently flowing into the rocks that disrupted their path with the water easily and quietly going around them continuing their journey thinking this is what I must do in life. I would find a hill and sit down feeling the wind ever so gently blowing across my cheeks and gently lifting my hair as the warm sunshine embraced me like loving arms. The water was so peaceful and the wind was so kind. It felt like I was in the presence of a loving invisible God trying to softly warm up the cold walls of my castle sending gentle winds of life through my streets with the intent to release hope, faith, and trust from the dungeon prison.
Everyone saw and judged me by my physical appearance. They could see the body, but they could not see the hard, cold, and lonely castle beneath the fleshly appearance. Hope was sitting in the cell staring at the floor wasting away, love was lying on the cot dying, and trust had turned it’s back on the jail doors. I woke up feeling lonely. I worked beside others feeling lonely. I went home feeling lonely. I slept feeling lonely with the same repeat the next morning.
SPIRIT OF THE CASTLE
This may sound strange, but I started to see there were two parts to me. The castle was really my body and my spirit was the single life inside the castle with all the thoughts, feelings, and the life force to the castle. The body and my spirit had their individual desires. The body would want to do something that was not good and not even a solution with the spirit saying, ‘we have already been down this road and the outcome does not solve anything‘ ‘in fact it made things worse‘.
The body wants to eat, drink, and be happy for itself – fleshly satisfactions. The spirit looks out through the eyes and listens through the ears of the castle recalling the memories of dead end results, things made worse, and regret. “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” the spirit would say to the flesh. It becomes a ‘love and hate‘, ‘up and down‘, and a ‘agree to disagree‘ relationship. The spirit of the castle can sometimes save the headaches the body wants to do, but at other times they both get into trouble.
Some people are driven by their fleshly desires no matter what it costs or who it costs to meet their selfish pleasure. The drugs, sex, alcohol, and greed will cause them to steal, kill, and destroy each other just for that selfish lying fix. You can see people have percentages in their behavior: 100% fleshly driven; 90% flesh/10% spirit; 60/40; 50/50; and some even 20% flesh/ 80% spirit; etc.
OPENED THE CASTLE ONE MORE TIME
I drove my castle to a church, walked it back to the very last pew in the top balcony against the wall satisfying my family for a routine they thought was the right thing to do. I had such a poor attitude, didn’t I? I had found hypocrisy in the church among fellow peers and leaders simply going through the motion, but really not deeply committed to the Bible and God. Almost like a routine without any real life inside it.
Sitting in the far back wall as far as away I could be waiting for time to hurry up to get it over with something happened. Inside my castle where I was half asleep a voice whispered echoing down the halls of my thoughts into the chambers of my heart. The voice whispered, “You have tried everything else why not try Me?” There was no one else near enough to have spoken those words. I took those words and began to think about them inside my castle.
I began to walk looking at the walls with the stone carved memories checking them off one by one knowing the end results. I could not find anywhere written on my castle walls the “You have tried everything else, why not try Me?” carved into stone. I said, “Okay, I will try You, but I will be straight up myself” with a thought this will be on a trial basis.
That day I let down the drawbridge and invited God along with His Bible to come into my castle. I started this relationship asking anything and everything I wanted not holding back one bit. My spirit was of a frame of mind ‘if You are really real then there will be nothing hid and no question You will be afraid of to be asked‘. I had already discovered religions have areas in the Bible they don’t like to talk about, hard life questions, or even have the desire to seek answers from God. They write off with excuses dodging hard cold facts of the Bible.
ROOMMATE IN THE CASTLE
My castle walls were still up with their hard and cold ways, but God was on the inside being asked all kinds of questions while He continued dropping the thoughts like that whispering gentle voice. He would point my eyes from the balcony to look in a direction I had not looked before. He would have me to listen to things that I had not heard before.
Little did I know my spirit was growing in truth freeing my understanding and perception from the blindness of the world. I started saying, “Okay, I will let trust out of his cell for a little bit, but back in he goes“. Hope, faith, and love were also allowed out of their dungeon cell, but for just a little bit and back in they go. Yes, it was sad I treated God and His Bible that way, but that shows how reclusive I had become to all things.
As the weeks past by and the relationship with God became stronger. I opened more of the doors in the castle, but only one at a time with a ton of doors still locked. I would visit Him and He would visit with me. He would help me, work with me, and clean up some rooms while showing me how to organize them. His patience and tolerance was so unbelievable to me. He was sticking with me through some things I would consider deal breakers. This was a roommate in my castle slowly proving to me to be the real and genuine friend I had always hoped for.
CONTRACT OF PERMENANT RESIDENCE
One day at work, with my castle walls still high against people, a co-worker asked me a question concerning my Friend and His book. He said to me, “did you know no one in the entire Bible was baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost“? I looked at him as though he were insane. I said, “Hmm, interesting and I did not know that” while I was already setting up a game plan to get with God and His Bible inside my castle to research this to the very end. I had to know the answer according to God and not him.
After a couple of weeks of privately sitting, searching, and talking with God inside my castle. I could only find where people had been baptized in Jesus name over and over. There was no record in the Bible of them baptizing in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost like I had been. This really started a deep Bible study with tons of questions for God. Remember, I wanted to have a ‘straight up‘ relationship with God with no hidden things. He accepts me as I am and I will accept Him as He is. If I am to change He has to show me it is Him doing the changing and not man.
This was a ‘Wow‘ moment with God when He showed me as I have two parts to myself of body and spirit, the religious world has its two parts. The religious world has what it wants from God’s Bible called traditions and God has what He wants called the Truth. I was presently going to a traditional church. “Okay“, I said, “I will go and check out this co-worker’s church and hear what they have to say about God and His Bible“. My castle walls still very high.
They preached that Jesus gave to the apostles on what to preach as salvation and Matthew 28:19 is exactly what they did in Acts 2:38 by baptizing people in the name of Jesus because that is the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Jesus came in his Father’s name (Jn. 5:43), angel told them to name him Jesus the Son (Mtt. 1:25), and the Holy Ghost comes to us in Jesus name (Jn. 14:26).
I took all this in and went back home for several months talking with God and searching His Bible about this Acts 2:38 and the apostles. I found that Acts 2:38 was the plan of salvation perfectly fitting the born again of the water and of the spirit Jesus spoke to Nicodemus in John chapter 3.
I started a contract with God having this in mind that if He wanted me to have this then I want it. He and I had become the best of friends inside my castle and I wanted what He wanted. I started applying Acts 2:38 to my life bearing in mind no where in the Bible this salvation ever stopped being preached in the Bible, but continues on as a promise to all of us and generations to come. I applied this scripture to my mind, heart, and soul solely because it was God’s word and not man’s. 38 “Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.” 39 “For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call.“
The contract was complete with God becoming a permanent residence inside my castle accepting my repentance, sealing me with forgiveness under the blood that is in the name of Jesus Christ, and filling me with the power of His Holy Spirit. Now, the fellowship has stepped up to a whole new level between me and God. Hence, you are seeing in this blog and others.
I DON’TLIVE ALONE ANYMORE
Here is an example of that stepping up to a whole new level with God. For our sins to be forgiven and washed away it takes blood and death. There is no blood or death in Father or Holy Ghost, only in Jesus. Becoming a new creature comes from a resurrection from hell and the grave. You cannot kill or bury Father or Holy Ghost, but Jesus was killed on the cross, buried in a tomb, and resurrected the third day. See, the two parts of the world’s religions and Gods? The apostles did not disobey Matthew 28:19, but fulfilled it in Acts 2:38 in Jesus name.
My castle has been crucified with Jesus Christ: nevertheless I live, but now Jesus Christ lives inside my castle as the best roommate anyone could ever have, and the life I now live in the flesh I live by the faith that was set free in Jesus, who loved me freeing my love from the dungeon to live once again, all because He gave himself for me (Gal. 2:20) that I might live life more abundantly in this temporary castle of life (Jn. 10:10).
Gal. 2:20 “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.“
Go back to your castle and sit down with God along with the Bible in your chambers and privately search this out with God guiding you, not me. This is what I did not allowing man’s religions to dictate to me, but ‘straight up‘ what God tells me directly from His Bible. People will always be on the outside of your castle with your walls written with the memories of this world. They will not be able to stand before God’s judgment seat and defend you. You will need the power of the blood and Spirit of Jesus to sanctify your castle with the seal of approval to enter into heaven (Eph. 4:30).
I don’t live alone anymore and I am glad it is God and not some demon or devil aligning with my flesh to reap selfish destruction upon others and myself. God as your roommate brings joy unspeakable and full of glory that outshines the sun. I hope you have enjoyed the reading. My wish for you is that your castle will be filled with the power and the light of God’s perception and understanding because this brings life eternal in the knowledge of God Almighty inside of Jesus inside of you. Best roommate you will ever have!