My Heart Is Heavy

My heart is heavy when I think of you. I feel a slow sadness seeping down through my system when I look at what all you have done. The feeling of brokenness begins to crack my walls of pride. I feel gravity lowering my head in shame and my knees bowing my body in humbleness before your love.

The questions roll in like a flood rushing down through the gorge of my mind pounding against the trees swaying them as to the “whys” you did what you did. The “what, when, and where” you would even want to help me overtakes my understanding. My mind is overwhelmed by the crowding thoughts beyond what it can wrap around to understand causing a feeling of numbness.

It is unfathomable you would even care to focus your efforts in my direction. Why would you love me? Why would you give me a second chance? Why do you believe in me? I am the lowest of low and you still reach out to me. I am not worthy. I do not deserve your kindness.

I am sad because of who I am. Of all that I have let down, you are the one most of all I am full of regret and shame. I cannot hide from you. I cannot cover up the things I have done before your eyes. You see me clearly as I am. Yet, you still love me.

Who am I that you would count in your heart worthy of your attention? I have done things that if I were dirt under your feet I would not be worthy of your foot step. Yet, you always reach down with my eyes seeing your open hand inviting me to reach up and you will take care of the rest. You gave me love when no one else would even give me a prayer.


You have been so good from the beginning. You did not deserve the treatment you received. You created such a beautiful sanctuary. It is really sad to look from this side of the window to “what was” from the “what is” now. All the bad things we do now is unthinkable. Yet, you never gave up on us.

When you came to help me and said, “you’ve tried everything else…try me” I could not stop myself in reading about others you had helped before my time. I have to know more about you.

The very first account recorded of you being in a place to pass your opinion of what should be done to us moved my heart to seeing for the first time “true love“. You stood there with the judgment already passed upon your son and your daughter while the accuser expecting a swift and final decision.

It was almost like you were looking death in the eye telling him to let the one among them who is without guilt pass judgment first backing death off with time. When your son and daughter deserved death, you still reached past their guilt telling them to sin no more that you will come for them one day.

The book is full of your love reaching past people’s weaknesses, evilness, ignorance, doubts, complacency, adultery, murder, lies, betrayals, pridefulness, selfishness, hate, dividing agitators, and many more things that we are guilty also today of the same, if not more.

My Heart Is Heavy” because all you have done was to try to help us when we are undeserving of your pure, holy, kind, and actions of love. We have through-out time slapped your hand away. We have made up lies trying to handle things our way. We have pretended you are not there lying to ourselves and others about you. We have kicked you out of our schools. We have removed your sayings from our buildings. We have ignored your words to a better life doing what we think is right only to end up under the same situations you warned us about.

How can you love us? How can you tolerate us? Why have you not killed us all? Your love goes beyond all creation. Your love is as deep as your presence, power of life, and knowledge. How can we not be heavy of heart considering a terrible actions and words?


From the very first moment you were asked to judge us in the garden of Eden when we were already condemned to die you passed judgment onto the promise child yet to come. You postponed eternal death to be decided by the one among us who was without sin. You could have sent us out of your presence like you did the devil and his followers immediately, but you didn’t. Why do “I LOVE YOU” is because you loved me when I deserved no love at all, but condemnation.

You loved me in a way no other person did. You loved me for myself and not for the lies of pretending to be something else. You stayed with me when everyone else left. You listened to me when no one else cared about my thoughts and feelings. You gave me a chance when everyone else had given up condemning me as a lost cause. Why do “I LOVE YOU” is a simple answer.


My Heart Is Heavy” because when you came in person the treatment you received was undeserved. You put your Spirit inside of one of our slaved bodies to walk among us with your love and you were rejected. You did good deeds to us and was falsely accused. You touched us who were deemed untouchable. You sat with us in our poor homes with others trying to twist your words against you. You blessed our children when others counted them as a nuisance. When we lost our only son you stopped the funeral and brought our son back to us. We had a sick daughter and felt unworthy of your presences in our homes and you spoke your words of healing making our precious little girl well again.

Just like in the beginning you came to us in human form to restore goodness. You did not deserve the treatment you received. You came to return to us a beautiful sanctuary through your pure body of love. It breaks my heart to look through the window of time to the “what was” before we sinned to the “what is” now. What the people of the world is doing is unthinkable. Yet, you never gave up on us.


I see you getting up early in the morning with the temple and the people gathering together upon your heart. You make your way to sit among us to share and teach us more about your love. A group of so-called religious leaders disturbed the temple with a scheme against you throwing down a woman in the middle of us all in front of you. They looked into your face saying, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. “Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?” They wanted to trap you with your answer, but you started writing in the dust on the ground.

After some time had passed you stood up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” You stooped back down to write in the dust allowing them time to think about your words of spirit and life. They dropped their stones of judgment starting with the oldest to the youngest with their judgments unfulfilled walking away from her.

When you were left alone with her still laying on the ground in her guilt you said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” The only answer for her to reply was, “No one, Lord .” Her ears heard her words go out of her mouth that there was no one to condemn her. You placed your words on top of her words with, “I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.” (Jn. 8:1-11)

She confessed she was forgiven by no one being there to condemn her and you released her by your answer of neither do you condemn her to go and sin no more. Your love sees past what the world does not see and answers beyond what the world can perceive. You help us to confess there is no condemnation and then you apply your eternal love of neither do you condemn us.


Your Spirit stood with Adam and Eve in the middle with the devil on the other side. Adam and Eve stood there condemned to die with the devil waiting and watching for your judgment. The devil expected your Spirit to strike as quickly as you did with him trapping you with your own words to your children. You did not answer in agreement with immediate death. You passed your answer and judgment onto the promised son to be born in the future. You postponed death with time and not immediate eternal damnation.

You stood with your Spirit inside Jesus the man with this woman in the middle and the accusing men on the other side. The woman laying there was condemned to die with the group of men waiting and watching for your judgment. The group of men were expecting to trap you with your words. You did not answer in agreement with immediate death for her, but stooped to write in the dust of the ground. You gave them words that postponed death with time and chased them away.


All the things that we have put you through-out time is amazing you still love us. You stood there before the devil expecting you to condemn Eve and Adam immediately to eternal death. You were there standing before the men expecting you to condemn the woman immediately to physical and eternal death. Adam, Eve, and the woman were absolutely guilty and rightly so to die. We are them today with the death sentence rightly so upon us to die. I am grateful you are the final word.

God, the Spirit, postponed allowing time from immediate judgment to the Son to decide. The Son, God in the flesh, postponed allowing time to nail all sins to the cross through himself all judgments of sin taking away the power of death, hell, and the grave. You have loved us from the beginning to this present day providing a way for us to escape the death the devil so desires us to experience in hell with him and his followers.

You loved you us so much that you had mercy in speaking your eternal judgment from your Spirit to speaking your judgment through the body you had prepared for yourself known to us as your son because of the man part. You were still 100% God inside a 100% man. This is why for the woman when you did not condemn her you were taking her sin to the cross to cover it with your own blood.

Why would our hearts not be heavy for the price you had to pay for our sins. In all your purity you came down in flesh to walk among our filth for the sole purpose of sin releasing love for us. Your words to those men about that woman caught in sin,  “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” is the same person in the beginning with Adam and Eve. You are the only one among Adam and Eve just like the woman who had the right to throw the first stone of judgment, but you didn’t.

You were the Spirit that gave us life in our bodies made of the dust of the earth. You were the one that created us like children in your image and likeness. You were the one who loved us beyond our failures and shortcomings. You gave us everything to live a good life and we turned our backs on you, but you still came after us to save us. It blows my mind how awesome you are.

I feel so unworthy of your forgiveness. I cannot tell you enough of how I am blessed to be water baptized in the name of Jesus applying that pure blood of the Lamb of God that is in that name over me washing away all my sins and to be filled with the Holy Spirit of God like the disciples on the day of Pentecost (Acts 2:38). Thank you for giving us a second chance and a born again option.

MY HEART IS HEAVY” with thankfulness and shame that I cannot live a perfect life, but strive to be better everyday. Help us to live a life worthy of your sacrifice and love for us.

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